I'm not sure if you all have this undefined feeling about LOVE like i do...
I think i have a love/hate relationship with...well...love.
There are days when i wholeheartedly believe in soulmates, true love and the passion that can ensue with that connection; forever and after. I want to believe that there is someone out there, that my heartaches werent all for nothing and that i will not be one of the people who dies alone with a pack of a cats and crocheted doilies.
There are other days however where my past creeps in, i feel the jade solidify over what used to be my heart and i am lost in a feeling of helplessness and despair. I watch ex's who wronged me move onto happy, fullfilling relationships...and i wonder...will i ever be the same? Will it always hurt? Will i ever fill that hole where they used to reside? It's not a particular person that seems missing, it's the position of a significant other.
Then there are other days still where i revel in my single status, i wallow in it, i'm obsessed with it and i dont want to let anyone in for fear of losing it. I dont have to answer to anyone. I dont have to call anyone. I am responsible for my own happiness and no one else's. I dont have to shave my legs if i dont want to. I can wear whatever pajamas i find in my closet...yes, flannel seems to be most popular choice. My outfits are put together out of functionality or how they make me feel rather than who they attract or "he will like this." I've found a true focus on my own well being and an inner strength i never had on the "taken" side. So, single definitely is a good stage to be in and right now it's a stage i need and enjoy.
But then, Sunday night happens. I have that desire to watch a movie, pop some popcorn, have my glass of wine and as i curl up, the other side of the couch seems a little empty. Or, holidays happen and happy couples roam about inadvertently throwing it in the faces of those who are facing them alone. And, when you reach a certain age, weddings, kids, engagements seem to rotate around you on an hourly basis...note: facebook needs a filter for this sort of thing. On the oposite side of the fence, relationships seems like a great stage as well and when i thought i had the right people, i was beyond happy so i simply wonder if i will feel that again.
No matter what stage you're in i think the grass always seems greener on the other side. There are ups and downs and pros and cons to each. I know there's no true answer to timing and person until it's there in front of you and "when you know, you know" I just hope that i'll be ready...i'll let them in....and i'll actually KNOW. Otherwise...i'll need to start investing in cats and learn how to crochet.
Love is such a beautiful thing when it's real. Knowing you have a person by your side who wants you to succeed as much as you want yourself to succeed is an amazing feeling. Having that land to stand on when floods come and go.
ReplyDeleteI've found we often sacrifice certain parts of ourselves and willingly cloud our own judgement in our pursuit of love. Which we should never do. It feels like, as you alluded to, the lonely Sunday nights with popcorn and wine are the loneliest times. It really makes you miss the times when you can curl up on the couch with your love and be content.
But those are the times that we should cherish. Because when you find someone who makes you feel the way you deserve to feel, who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, and who supports you through hell and back; The lonely times you fought through will make you appreciate love even more.
But, and i'm sure you know this, never sacrifice who you are and your goals for someone. Never give up on following your true hearts desire. Never settle for less than you deserve.
Lasting love isn't promised and it isn't a right. It's a privilege. But following your heart and your soul is a right we all have.
Don't settle for less because you want someone there.
:) You'll find someone, regardless. Just keep positive.